||How George W Bush
came to be taken off to the lunatic asylum|
|Notes: Part of this story also appears on Puns and Riddles page|
(Also there: Why the Egyptians built the Pyramids).
Also: Bush declares America and himself "trifecta winners".
Also: When the President's plane changed its call letters to:
Air Farce One
|One day Laura Bush found her husband intently scooping the cat litter box. Since
staff always did the menial jobs at The White House, The First Lady was puzzled.
"Why are you cleaning the litter box, George?", she asked. The President replied: "I'm looking for
|Osama bin Laden
Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction."
|Later that day, at the hospital: Doctor: "Mr. President...."
Bush: "Yessir." "Mr. President, your wife tells me you were looking for Saddam Hussein's
weapons of mass destruction in the cat litter box." "I was, Sir." "But your wife tells
me that previously you had told her you were looking for Osama bin Laden." "Osama, who?
What are you talking about, Doctor? I never heard of Osama anybody -- You must be confusing me with
somebody else. Who's this Osama guy? Doctor! Can I look in your desk and see if there are
any Iraqi weapons of mass destructions?"....|
|Learn about: The Tao of litterbox cleaning.|
|Read more: George W Bush satire.|
|You read it here first
(18 May 2003):
"Laughter filled the room Wednesday night at the
annual dinner for radio and television correspondents when President Bush displayed
a photograph showing him down on his hands and knees looking under furniture in his office and saying,
'Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!'"
(Raymond Hernandez, "A Bush Dinner Joke Amuses (and Does Not)", NYT, 26Mar04, p.A12)|
|12 January 2005 update:
The hunt for Saddam's weapons of mass destruction (WMD's) finally came to an end, with
no weapons of mass destruction found.|
| Return with GWB to the Oval Office
||How Educational Testing Service
(ETS) saved the Persian Empire.|
|Note: This story also appears on Aphorisms page.|
|Philip of Macedon: "Sorry, son, but you can't study with Aristotle. Your SATs were too low."
Alexander: "Gee, Dad... How am I going to be able to conquer the world without an Aristotelean education?"
Philip: "I'm sorry, son. I offered to send you to the
Kaplan SAT Prep course, but you weren't interested. It's too late now."|
||Whatever happened to Chicken Little?|
Little worked during World War II at
Los Alamos (The Manhattan Project to build the atomic bomb).
When the scientists started discussing the possibility that exploding the atomic bomb
might ignite the earth's atmosphere, Chicken Little had a nervous breakdown, and was
placed on medical disability. (31May03: Scientists are trying to
create little "Black Holes" in their particle accelerators. The scientists say there
is no danger these little black holes will suck in the laboratory and the surrounding countryside.
As evidence of this, the scientists say that, every day, cosmic rays raining down
on us create such microscopic little black holes in the earth's atmosphere, all of which
evaporate without doing any damage. See, e.g.:
Michelle Thaller, "Artificial black holes: on the threshold of new physics", Christian Science Monitor online,
23May03: "There are probably a few tiny black holes forming and dying far above you right now.")
(Learn also: Why the chicken was afraid to cross the chalk circle.
And: Chicken Little's 2003 warning!
And: A drug test that 'unexpectedly' went catastrophically wrong.)|
||How God came to add The Eleventh Commandment.|
Arrid can help you keep the 11th Commendmant.|
And: Safeguard yourself with Safeguard!
|When Moses, middle-aging and "out of shape",
reached the top of Mt Sinai with the two stone tablets on which God had promised to
write The Ten Commandments, he was out of
breath, and perspiring profusely from the exertion. At the appointed hour, God
appeared, and, as promised, wrote His laws on the tablets. But, just as He was almost
finished engraving, God was stopped short by something. Finally,
God figured out what the problem was: "Moses!" "Yes, God." "You have body odor.
Your smell is offensive." "I'm sorry, God, but
it was a long hike up the mountain in the hot sun, and the tablets were heavy -- I'm not
young anymore, God."
"I don't understand, Moses. What does carrying the tablets up the mountain have to
do with you offending everyone with your body odor?" "I perspired in the heat from all the exertion, God."
"You mean you didn't use
"No, God." At this point, God became very angry. He took the tablets and,
since there was no space left on the front,
He carved His Eleventh Commandment, on the back: "Thou shalt use
underarm deodorant." And that's why, to this day, some thoughtless people have to be reminded to use deodorant,
because, since there was no space left on the front and God had to
write it on the back, and most pictures and reproductions only show the front of the tablets,
the people forget about The Eleventh Commandment.|
|See: My proposed ten better guidelines for living.|
|Important research needs to be done:
We need a high-level task force, reporting directly to the Secretary of Health and Human Services,
to investigate the ways diet affects body odors. If
it is determined that a vegetarian and/or high-fiber diet produces more offensive body odors than a diet composed mainly of
meat (item: felines smell much better than bovines, which latter produce a large part of the methane
in the earth's atmosphere...),
the FDA will issue guidelines recommending that people eat a diet high in meat and low in vegetables and fiber.
This irrespective of any other less important considerations, such as whether a high-meat low-fiber diet
increases risk of cancer, heart disease, etc.|
|Be a responsible citizen: Help Safeguard America!|
||How a Nabisco(tm) cookie led to the
founding of modern mathematical physics|
|One day in 1665, somewhere in the English countryside,
a young man -- actually, a young gentleman mathematician -- suffering from amnesia but determined to avoid
the plague by holing up on his family's estate to keep away from potentially infectious people
--, was sitting under a tree.
As so often, the young man was trying to remember who he was.
Suddenly, from nowhere, he felt a gentle "bump" on his head.
The young man tentatively felt around his pate, and then looked on the ground and noticed a
small fruit-filled cookie, that had not previously
been there, and which he immediately recognized was a: fig Newton. The young man
immediately remembered that he was a Newton, too, and his amnesia was
cured. Reflecting further that the cookie had fallen from above ["a
he may have thought, recalling Galileo's book by that name?], the notion entered Mr. Newton's
head that everything might be falling from the sky all the
He quickly calculated
"the force needed to hold the Moon in its orbit, as compared with the force pulling [a cookie] to the ground",
and within a few minutes he had formulated the three foundational laws of mathematical
physics by which we now remember his name. But remembering his recent amnseia, the young gentleman had the
presence of mind to rush home and write his laws on the wall of the entrance hall of his parents' estate house,
just in case he forgot things again. But Mr. Newton never suffered a recurrence of his amnesia, and,
in any case, after his theories were published, their preservation was thus assured by
the sale of the books, and his mother were able to repaint her entrance hall to
get rid of the grafitti. (And, yes, they all lived happily ever after.)|
||How Sir Walter Raleigh came to lay his cloak down for the Queen|
|Sir Walter Raleigh
had a foot fetish. Sir
Walter was also a favorite of The Queen (Elizabeth I, aka "The Virgin Queen"). One day, Her Majesty contrived
a scheme to ensnare the dashing nobleman. Because it had not rained for a long time,
so that naturally occurring mud puddles were hard to come by, The Queen arranged for one of her servants to
pour a bucket of mud a short distance in front of her, just as Sir Walter was coming near. As he came closer, she
got up and started walking straight toward the puddle. Sir Walter, his chivalry reflex instantly activated by the
unthinkable prospect of Her Majesty getting her shoe soiled, dashed to the spot, and, diving head-first, threw down his
cloak over the puddle just as Her Majesty was about to step in it. Seeing Her Majesty's shoe alight like
a dove on the cloak just inches in front of his eyes sent Sir Walter into a swoon.
The Queen's servants carried Sir Walter to a nearby chamber, where they
laid him on the bed. Her Majesty hastened to see after Sir Walter's condition. When she entered the chamber,
she sent the servants out, and shut the door -- and the rest of this story may not be fit for a "PG"-rated website
(except -- to put your mind at ease about Sir Walter's loss of his
cloak, my dear reader -- I note that his servants cleaned the cloak, so that Sir Walter's chivalrous gesture didn't end up
"costing" him anything -- and, further, Sir Walter had
insured his cloak, so that he was "covered" even if it was ruined.)|
||How the Public Utilities
became public again|
|After the government sold all the Public Utilities
to private investment groups at bargain basement prices, the new owners invested nothing
in their new acquisitions, but milked them for all they could get out of them. Service
became unreliable at best, and rates soared as the Utilities had to buy
power on the spot market to make up for their own plants often
being out of service.... Soon, consumers demanded relief. So the private investors
sold the Utilities back to the government at book value, thus making another
killing; the Utilities once again, back under government stewardship, returned to providing
reliable service; and everybody lived happily ever after -- Except that the consumers had to
pay much higher taxes and utility rates than before, to service the
public debt on the bonds the government had sold to private investors
[usually the same ones who had bought the Utilities in the first place...] to
buy the Utilities back and repair the damage to them.|
|Deregulate yourself: Go to Enron!|
||Is the "Star Child" foetus at the end of Stanley Kubrick's film
2001 Michael Jackson?|